Endings and Beginnings: Reflecting on 2016 before entering 2017
Here I am…tapping away on my laptop. It’s almost dark and I’m sitting here on my bed with only a Himalayan Salt Lamp on; casting a warm, womb-like glow across the room.
Big fat wet tears rolling down my face, pooling at my lips, soaking back into my skin.
I can barely see through these tears…Yet I knew I had to open up my laptop and write.
All week I’ve been feeling this bubbling up of emotion. The inner cauldron of all my truths, thoughts, feelings and experiences amping up from a slow, gentle simmer to the raise-the-lid kinda boil. The kind of boil that will inevitably spill over into a watery mess if I don’t turn my gaze to and respond quickly enough.
And sure enough, despite the sign-posts all week the latter has happened. I didn’t have the space and time to ‘go there’ – you know, to cast my attention to that simmering feeling. So here I am… here I am a watery, blubbery mess.
[Side note: oh wow, does it feels good to FEEL like this. To feel vulnerable and overwhelmed with emotion. It makes me feel alive and connected and tapped in – always has]
The things that have set me off all week – tender moments between baby and dada. A random act of kindness from a stranger in the street. A generous exchange. Watching a mama hug her injured child in Aleppo. Hugging my dear friend and saying Merry Christmas – have all pointed to connection, the power of the tribe, gratitude and the simplicity of love.
Powerful, universal sorta stuff.
But what set off this moment, right now, the avalanche of tears and the impossible-to-contain soul speak in the form of FEELING?
My nanny just wrote to me to say she was no longer able to work with us (due her own personal career goals). #firstworldproblems
Then IT all just hit me.
This year has been so challenging and yet so unbelievably beautiful. (Side note: I had originally written “so fucking hard” but perspective whacked me in the face and I had to dial it back!)
- I’ve created so much.
- I’ve barely slept.
- I’ve nagged and argued about nonsensical shit with my sleep deprived husband.
- I’ve started a new business.
- I’ve coached divine women through their blocks and fears.
- I consciously worked on healing myself energetically, emotionally, physically, mentally.
- I’ve done things I never thought I would, or could.
- I said YES without reason, just a feeling.
- I’ve grown a team and watched them grow too.
- I’ve learned that I don’t know what it means to be a leader.
- I’ve decided to lead with love and serve wholeheartedly.
- I’ve felt so much mama-guilt.
- I’ve felt so much mama joy, love, elation.
- I’ve faced so many fears, slowly.
- I’ve watched parts of me fall away and dissolve.
- I’ve surrendered. Over and over and over again.
- I’ve found my feminine power – fierce warrior mama within.
- I’ve fallen in love with parts of me I didn’t notice before.
- I’ve juggled coaching, creativity, business around tantrums and toddler tactics.
- I’ve stared at my forever changed body and swung from love, to admiration to disgust and back to love.
- I’ve stared at my forever guy and cried tears of gratitude for him minutes after crying tears at frustration over him.
- I’ve meditated. Daily. Committed to stillness, daily.
- I’ve moved and stretched and breathed.
- I’ve set goals and failed at them, and reset them over and over until I nailed it.
- I’ve held my baby sick and feverish feeling equal parts scared and supremely blessed.
- I’ve failed at being the perfect mama/wife so many times – forgetting to cook dinner, turning the TV on too many times, letting my frustration take the driver seat.
- I rocked motherhood too… often.
- I’ve battled to stay in my centre, to be calm, to stay strong when sometimes it all just felt too much.
- I’ve watched my dad getting older, weaker, sicker.
- I’ve felt the love and support my mother always delivers.
- I’ve cried tears of happiness watching my little girl play with her cousins, something I never had.
- I discovered some shit about myself I’m grateful I can now see, but that hurt to look at.
- I raged. I cried. I fell apart.
- I cracked.
- I put myself back together and said ‘Let’s DO this’.
- I prayed many times for relief and peace. And then accepted when I didn’t get it.
- I found a circle, a sisterhood, a tribe where we honour shame, vulnerability, joy, success and dreams.
Like I said, a really big, hard, beautiful, FULL, messy year.
I am a deeply changed woman. Motherhood… life, it’s eroded the old me and reshaped me much faster than any other experience has in my life.
I feel more than I’ve ever felt.
I think more than I have ever.
I worry more. Pray more. Strive and thrive more. I fail more.
I’m more considered and conscious.
I dig deeper than I ever have and insist on MORE from the universe.
I love more than I thought was possible. I care about people, this earth.
And yet with all of that I also feel more overwhelmed, futile, and held back than I ever have.
My eyes are more open and so is my heart. EVERYTHING is dialled right up.
My desire to create change, my desire to find balance and to help others heal. My desire for abundance and for financial success and stability. My need to hide away and hush the world. My desire to make a difference. My desire for a humble life with my sweet little family. My desire to GO BIG and chase my dreams.
I feel all of it….My need to make this life matter, to honour the gift of this life and do it justice. To live up to my soul purpose and to do so with authenticity and love.
As I write this there is a small voice in the back of my head saying – ‘ok, Claire, so what the heck is this all about? What truth is here, in these tears? What realisations can you glean through this watery mess?’ (Because truthfully if I’m going to ‘get’ whatever my soul is trying to spew forth I will only get it NOW, in the mess)
And here it is;
I can’t enter the new year just yet. Physically yes, energetically, emotionally, mentally…No, no. The line has not been drawn in the sand, not yet. Not without reflection. I need to chew on it. Mull it all over. Make peace with it so it all and process this year… and I guess that’s precisely what this journal entry-meets-blog post is about.
So I begin here, with these questions. I’ll be diving into further in my journal – this might take a few days… maybe the rest of this month. Who knows, maybe 2017 will click over and I’ll still not be ready to enter the new year (that’s ok, that is SO ok).
Perhaps you need to ask yourself these questions too?
What did I love about this year?
And what didn’t I?
What worked and what didn’t?
What do I NOT want to feel or experience again?
What do I want to change?
How do I want to feel in the new year?
What do I want to experience, create, achieve in 2017?
Next on my little journey towards 2017 I’ll be Desire Mapping to reduce down into my core desired feelings. I haven’t done this properly since I was pregnant and I feel now is the time to revisit it (thank you DLaPorte).
I also want to get shiny-diamond clear on what my ideal day(s) looks like. There needs to be a different framework for mama days and work days. Knowing that me-time, wifey time and soul-sister time all merges and messily seeps into those days too. Surprisingly the years of surrender and deep acceptance work make this mess beautiful to me now. Spontaneous and responsive. There aren’t really clearly defined boundaries any more, as a mama, but I still need some clarity on this – my head needs it so my heart can be free to roam and feel and play.
There is also a tug to clean up a few of my ‘stories’ – you know those running themes and belief systems that we cling despite the fact they clearly do not serve our highest good. Yep, I’ve got some of them – and it’s time to rinse them out of me and fill up on new ones.
- Money stories and ideas around abundance.
- What success looks like and what is possible.
- What I and my family deserve.
- What I am capable of doing and creating.
- The mother-line and healing old wounds.
- The wife-sister-friend roles I play (and sometimes terribly).
All these stories need to be detoxed. Reviewed. Boosted with consciousness and a huge dose of love. Rebooted back into my being.
(Side note: I’m thinking Kinesiology to help carry this workload).
So here I am my loves. In awe of all that this year has delivered – the pain and the glory of it all. For you and for me.
Are you ready for the refresh, for the transition and the chance to ride a new wave of energy? Yes. Awesome…but first let’s pay our respects to 2016 and to YOU. Reflect and process so you can take the lessons and ditch the junk.
Hit me back with some of your own insights – what’s ONE big lesson you can see when looking back on your 2016?
Wishing you a beautiful holiday season that’s filled with kindness, compassion, love and joy.
P.s Today at the post office a kind woman chose to LEAVE the long queue to help me carry a huge box to my car as I had a lively toddler underfoot and it was pouring with rain. Her name was Jen. Her kindness made me cry. Thank you beautiful woman. Thank you.
My mission is to do one act of kindness daily over this Christmas and NY period. Care to join me??