Why I’m not going to reflect on 2015
I haven’t felt compelled to review all that has unfolded in 2015.
That’s because I can summarise it in one word. BABY.
For the first two months of the year I was barefoot, blissed out and pregnant. Spending my days floating in the ocean, gazing in awe at the sun dazzling on the waves, communing with the little soul growing within, and generally feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. For life. For this precious, oh-so-sacred time and for my body and the miracle it was creating.
Then, the birth happened. Then Soleil, in dramatic fashion, entered our world. And it was like a cataclysmic event occurred that literally turned the earth upside down and instantly shook us to the core.
It’s been equal parts challenging, joyous, heartbreaking, backbreaking, love-soaked, laughter filled, mind-blowing, exhausting, confusing, guilt-ridden, messy, humbling, testing, and tearful.
And truthfully, I could write 1000 adjectives to describe the experience but it would never and can never give you a clear enough snapshot into the life-altering experience that is motherhood/parenthood.
But despite the fact that this has been the toughest yet most rewarding assignment of my life (to date) I don’t want to review it. Actually, I mean to say, I don’t NEED to review it.
I don’t need to reflect too much, ponder for hours. Or C\come to any understanding, at all, really.
You want to know why (of course you do!) right? It’s because of this one incredible lesson that Soleil, motherhood, pregnancy and birth have taught me (sometimes quite forcefully)…
There is only one moment that matters.
And within that moment you have the possibility of fully experiencing what is on offer – be it complete and utter despair, zombie-like exhaustion, overwhelming heart-explosive love, sheer indifference, emotional disconnection…. Whatever it is… it is THERE for that moment. In that one instant you can feel it, experience it, be IN IT. Fully, completely, honestly, vulnerably.
You can gauge and learn from it, spontaneously, you can perhaps reflect on it later – take stock of the lesson you were just bitch-slapped with.
Ultimately it’s in the experiencing of it – the living it – that truly counts.
Once it’s done. It’s done. Try and grow from it. Try and make different choices if they didn’t work for you. Try and stay true to the journey by choosing ultimate surrender. But the moment has passed, let it go now.
Don’t over-think it.
Don’t tear it to pieces and over analyse.
Soleil doesn’t dwell on anything. She falls, hits her head, cries. 30 seconds later as soon as the pain has gone, so has her attachment to the experience. Finished. That moment is done and therefore she is no longer in it. She’s in the next moment – perhaps playing joyful, cuddling, discovering.
Just be here now. And now be here. And here. here, again.
With a little baby at the centre of your universe there really isn’t much time to ponder and reflect (or brush your hair, drink a glass of water…) nor is there much need to.
Because if you are truly honouring the moment as a baby forces you to do (and as I am trying to do!), then you are truly in the flow of life, and the past/future trip-out is irrelevant and meaningless.
Now here’s where I contradict myself. I love to journal. I also finding reflecting, pondering and analysing very easy to do. It comes naturally to me. So I’m not saying I NEVER DO THIS. In fact, I journal almost daily. I internally run a quick review, almost daily. But as of late, I’m no longer getting hung up in that space of trying to gain clarity on what’s been and gone, anymore. I am no longer caught in the web of ‘what ifs’ or the net of disappointments. Nor do I pull apart and analyse what I did that I can improve on. I water down the intensity of ‘trying’ to do more, be more, perfect and polish.
Instead, I might gently review, or touch on a lesson, or sit with an insight. Jot down some heart-felt intentions, desires and dreams.
And then I offer up a prayer – to the divine source, to the universal energy that we are all part of, to my own guides and angels, to all mothers from all time…
I ask for love
I ask for foresight
I ask for patience
I ask for support
I ask for light
And I offer up my weighty concerns, and my fears and disappointments and my insecurities in the hands of my higher self and ask HER to take over. I ask her to carry my intentions for the year, to choose my soulful goals, to take my lessons and learnings and the rights/wrongs from the year that was and place them into the well of my inner wisdom, so that I may honour those experiences.
I place complete trust in HER wisdom and inner knowing…. with the understanding and agreement that she will take me down the path best for my own soul growth.
Who knows if this way of doing this will sustain me in the future. Right now I have the perfect cocktail of mama-brain, 10 months sleep deprivation and a baby demanding my everything to ensure that any other way of starting the new year/planning/reviewing would just not be possible.
But I do hope that if at some point I feel called to do this differently again that I remember the pleasure and the freedom in simply letting the moment be, and letting it be the ultimate ruler in my life.
I’m no expert on this mama-journey. But what I can do is choose to keep my heart and mind open to what it is teaching me. So far, this has been and I know will continue to be my biggest spiritual awakening ever. It’s not tingly, and other-worldy. There are rarely those ‘divinely touched’ moments. It’s usually got me covered in mango, all sorts of flustered and with my pants on back to front…but it is the quickest route to self-realisation I’ve ever walked.
Love + light,