How I found my way back from broken and anxious
I want to tell you something about me… most people say they find me to be calm. Centered. Present. Grounded and confident.
But I want to show you a different side of the coin.
I can be – and especially since becoming a mama – nervous, unsure, insecure and so very anxious.
I remember when I was 19 and traveling with my sister. At a certain point on our travels we were parting ways – I was to go it alone. Oh god, I was terrified. All the ‘what-ifs’… all the uncertainty.
I didn’t trust myself that I would FIND a way through any challenges. I didn’t trust that I could cope.
And that’s just ONE example.
It strikes me as bizarre that I can be this way – because I AM quite confident as a person. I do mostly believe in myself and have a high level of independence. Yet, as with all of us, I am multi-layered and my own personal shadows and ‘flaws’ (I use that word LOOSELY)) show up in odd ways and at odd times.
Over the years, particularly from the age of 24 to 34 when I was deep in my own personal journey of inner transformation (through yoga, meditation, clean eating, study) I found and tapped into a new level of self-confidence. I found a way to stand in my own strength and personal power. To ride through the anxiety and trust in myself and in life.
Then motherhood came along.
I always share with my coaching clients that when we are in our own personal spiritual journeys there comes a time when we are ready to uplevel.
We might not know it yet but on a soul level it’s time to turn the heat up.
I was coasting before motherhood. Happy, grounded, balanced, content. And as I knew intuitively Little S was coming earth side to take me to the next level. But before I could ‘up-level’ I had to have a few dark night’s of the soul. You know, those moments where you question everything?
Who am I?
How did I get to this point?
Why am I thinking/being in this way?
What the F is going on here?
What am I meant to do with this?
Where to from here?
I’m one of those souls (as my beautiful friend Tara Bliss says) that signed up for ALL the lessons and without much ease.
I battled with my ego and with my fears many, many times (and still do!)
Simply going out for a walk with my baby would leave me rattled (did I mention she was insanely unsettled and unhappy for the first 6 months at least?)
I was scared to shake things up or try anything NEW in case it all fell apart. Losing control – something I had thought I’d overcome – became a real and tangible fear of mine.
I didn’t take risks. I didn’t roll with the punches. I didn’t take the attitude of ‘let’s just see what happens’…I found myself in a deep, dark hole.
This crazy-ass ride brought back all those qualities in me that I had thought I’d long ago ‘mastered’. How laughable. Mastered? Yeah right…
It was just time to UP LEVEL and chip off another layer and stretch with all the growing pains that come with it.
I let motherhood control me in those early months and in the end I controlled my life so there was no space for joy. That makes me a little sad to remember that, but also grateful for such a massive lesson.
Because now I feel even MORE aligned to trust.
I feel cosy with the idea that it’ll all work out.
Anxiety, now, is a message of misalignment, not something I am OWNED by.
I know I am more confident, grounded and present because of this (and the many other) experience.
How did I find my way back?
Getting honest with myself.
Self-reflection + meditation.
Slowly starting to say YES to myself and my own self-care.
Reconnecting with my inner voice and intuition.
Yes, time, in the literal sense, but also in giving myself TIME AND SPACE. To connect with soul sisters. To go to yoga. To breathe. To take a walk. To do something yummy just for me. And to sit with and process the massive lessons I was getting smashed with. To let myself feel ‘smashed’ knowing it would pass, soon enough
Now that I have perspective what would I do differently?
I would do all of the above but earlier. Sooner. I wouldn’t was as much time as I did feeling trapped and controlled. I would own my life again with positive change.
Why am I sharing this with you?
Because I know RIGHT NOW there is something that you KNOW you need to do – that will realign you, rebuild you, nurture you, reconnect you. But you aren’t doing it, are you? Or maybe you are, but not enough.
And I want you to know this; where you are right now and who you are right now is not permanent. So you don’t need to be swallowed up by it and get buried under the fear, confusion, anxiety, insecurity.
Just start, today, right now, doing SOMETHING that reconnects you. No matter how broken you feel, know this – you aren’t, you just simply need some SPACE and TIME to find your way back.
love + light,